Well this feels very odd, I haven’t done a blog in so long, thought its time to put my mind on to paper once again.

So much has happened in the last 9 months, some more horrific and each time we think we can see a light at the end of a very bleak tunnel we are dealt another blow, but hey thats life and we have remained a little family unit as always.

I thought I would just write a little about what we have endured just lately then go on to some things that have helped and then about our current situation we have all found ourselves in.

We have lost 2 very strong woman in our lives, both were taken cruelly from us, we lost my mother in law firstly and it was a long tough ending that we feel no one should have to go through, she was an incredible woman and Jules was a mummy boy so her loss has hit him hard, grief is all consuming for a period of time, and as the old saying goes time is a healer, he is by no means healed but he is finding his new normal without his beloved mum, then on mothers day this year we lost my precious nan to the Covid 19 virus, a massive blow because although my nan had not so long ago celebrated her 90 birthday she was a strong independent northern soul, we have been robbed of our grieving process but we are slowly coming to terms with it, we will celebrate her life as soon as we can.

We have also had some illness in the family, both Freya & I are under investigation for illnesses and although its tough were incredibly lucky to have support from the NHS as well as family and friends.

So all in all its been pretty shitty, then just as you think it couldn’t be any worse we get locked down in the middle of a pandemic, who would of thought it, I know I certainly couldn’t of ever imagined being in the middle of this.

We were exposed to the virus, when nan was sick so have had a 2 week isolation period and in some ways that prepared us for the lockdown ( we started isolation a few days before lockdown) we consider ourselves the lucky ones, we have a garden, the sun has been shining the majority of the time and we get on well, we also have a nutty doggy Dolly to keep us entertained and to give us our quoter of cuddles when we need them.

Freya has reacted surprisingly well to this new life we find ourselves in, her school are extremely supportive and we are so lucky she is a good teen, obviously she is the same as all teens, we struggle to get get her out of bed and to eat anything remotely green. She is filling her days with art,  baking, watching films and documentary and a little school work, we don’t pressure her to get things done, she does a lot of what she enjoys and a little of the stuff she has to do and thats good enough for us.

If you have read any of my Blogs in the past you will know that I suffer with mind health, although I don’t really like the word suffer,  so I thought it may be helpful if I write about the things that are helping me right now, although I’m well aware that this is a personal issue, it is sometimes helpful to try different things.

I firstly only watched the news once a day at 5pm to see the government announcement, obviously I do see things people write on social media but I don’t read newspapers or continually scroll the news headlines, as most of you are aware there is a great deal of scare mongering going on at the moment and my head needs positivity and not be filled with that stuff, its not helpful and breeds anxiety.

I take full advantage of my 1 hour of exercise a day, we go straight from our house so we don’t take any unnecessary travel, we have found some lovely walks and now we feel confident we wont get lost, we were at the back of the queue when the in built sat navs were given out, we have got lost in most places. We also do other exercise at home, Jules enjoys Hannahs workouts and I enjoy a more gentle approach, so either some  emily’s yoga or just some extra exercises I add in when I want to, but there is no pressure at all and when we don’t feel like it we don’t do it.

I am eating well and as much like normal as possible, so still no gluten and dairy for me, which has been helping with my tummy issues, I really feel there is a connection between food and mood for sure but even if there isn’t the feeling of cooking a good meal that my family enjoy and we can eat together is great.

Im trying to sit with my feelings more, if I feel anxious then I do, I sit with it instead of fighting it, I try not to work out why instead just think that its ok to feel that way and it will pass when its ready.

We are face-timing family, I miss cuddles from my parents, the kids and grandkids, in my head I say over and over that we are all feeling this way and that we are doing this so another family doesn’t have to go through the ordeal mine has already had to face. FaceTime is great and were so lucky that technology has come on so much so that we can be in the same room with our loved ones without touching. Although I can’t wait for a real hug.

I’m very lucky also that I have an amazing husband who listens to me rattle on, but rattle on we must, its a great way to offload any inner turmoil and anxiety, talk talk and talk some more, to friends, family or loved ones, or your pet. take mid day baths with bubbles and and products you have, pamper yourself if you can.

I have been reading, its a great way to lose yourself for an hour or two and explore your imagination, the house has never been cleaner and the washing basket has been empty for weeks, the garden has been done and Jules is loving how clean the car is and stays because it is rarely used.

My advice to anyone who suffers from any sort of mind health is this, do what you can do, get up and get dressed if you can, get outside and breath in the fresh air, eat well and talk to people even if thats done remotely, but if you only open your eyes and make it to the sofa for a Netflix day, your only food for the day is beige and out of a packet and you only manage a text to someone, thats ok too, try to add a little something the next day, take your time, it looks like we will have a great deal on our hands.

 

 

 

I’m so sorry I have been so quiet, amongst other things in the last few months we have lost a very good friend to cancer and also our dog, it hit me like a thump in the chest, my friend had been diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, I won’t go into details but it shouldn’t have ended the way it did, she was a huge part of my life, we met at work, she was my supervisor, she took me under her wing, made me part of her family, she was a tough cookie, one of those people who didn’t take any shit.

From the first day we met we hit it off, she interviewed me for the job, we then realised we lived close to each other and had many mutual friends, it truly is a small world. She even flew out to Ibiza for our wedding with her daughter.

The day she told me about her cancer I will never forget, we went to the harvester for lunch, she adored the ice cream there and always laughed at what I was eating, I was always cautious about eating certain foods, she would often say how she couldn’t understand how I wasn’t a size 8, she didn’t give a toss what she ate and looked amazing for it.

Anyway she told me that she had cancer and I cried like a baby in the middle of the restaurant, she found this highly amusing and took great pleasure in telling me that she knew I would cry, I’m such a twat, she was so together.

She put up an amazing fight, sometimes not telling me what was going on due to knowing I would be upset, she never seemed scared, she was so up for the fight, she only once told she was scared which broke my heart, she still worried about others feelings even in her darkest moments, her children were amazing and she passed peacefully in her home with her children around her.

Her passing made me question my whole life, I still don’t feel like I will ever understand it, understand life and what it means, why I’m here, what I’m supposed to do, she loved my blogs and told me to keep them going, she enjoyed reading them and so I will continue, then as we said goodbye to my dear friend and tried to get through Christmas our lovely Fudge became sick.

It’s a dog I hear you say, but unless you met her you have no idea, she was a boxer, brindle, with the saddest face, she was our best friend, all of the family loved her, Freya was 3 years old when we picked her up from a lovely family at the barracks in Windsor, she was tiny, a proper little shit bag, she chewed and cried and did a runner every two minutes, she drove us wild, then one day she just stopped, she realised where she was better off and she became the best dog in the world.

She slept in Freya’s room for many years, until maybe a year ago when her snoring became unbearable, when Fudge was 7 we found a lump on her neck, we were told it was an aggressive cancer, we decided to not have the op offered after extensive research and I’m so pleased we didn’t, she had a happy fulfilled life, full of her favourite things, walks (on a lead) because she had a thing about squashing any other dog she came into contact with, cheese, she loved cheese, lots of human food and as many cuddle’s as we could all manage.

In her later years myself and Jules started our tattoo business and so we both started working from home, she was in heaven, both her mum and dad at home, the day before her 10th birthday New years eve she became ill, the vets thought it was something she had eaten, but on the 3rd January she took a big turn for the worst and she passed with us both holding her.

The house feels so empty, she had made such an impact on lots of people’s lives, changing the way people felt about dogs, from being scared to loving them.

Freya has also been unwell, she is under investigation which is great because knowledge is power, she is still not settling in school and some days we just feel like she will never get used to the school environment, having anxiety so young must be so painful, I know as an adult it’s up to me to take control of my feelings but for her it must be hard to understand what it all means.

So after this and many other ups and downs that a family have I needed a break, a break from reality/normality, my head felt like it may explode, my heart feels broken and life sucks, cancer sucks, its ripped my dear friend from me and her loving family, our dear Fudge from our home.

The pain of losing my friend and our Fudge will ease, the memory of watching them suffer will fade, I will never forget them, in my head I know they are together, which puts my mind at ease.

Loss is so tough, I had to take some time to get my head around my feelings, whilst I’m in a stressful situation I can cope, in fact I’m pretty good at putting everyone else at ease, as soon as it’s over I am a wreck, then the guilt tripping starts, was I a good enough friend, could I have done more……and on and on, punishing myself for tragedy that i can’t change, then my anxiety symptoms start, mainly heart palpitations, I’m sure due to stomach acid from the shite that I eat  when I’m down and constipation due to anxiety which kicks of my IBS. Then hiding away, not wanting to be with people unless I can and feel comfortable to leave, the vicious cycle starts.

I don’t even notice my self-care slipping, so I have to stop, take some time to reintroduce my self-care routine, I’m not quite there yet, I still have a way to go, I’m walking when I can and now I’m back writing and off loading all my shit into these words on this computer for you all to read.

So I have a plan and a notebook and pen (which you know I love) my plan is this:

• Walking outside in the fresh air
• Eating well (I eat shit when I’m anxious or upset)
• Meditation (every morning)
• Yoga (2 to 3 times a week)
• Take a long bath at least once a week (I will have a shower on the other days)
• Read every night ( I want to have read 12 books by the end of 2019)
• Spend time on my routine ( moisturising, exfoliate etc)
• Try to spend more time with my loved ones ( no pressure on myself)

So this is the plan but am not putting any pressure on at all, I want them to be a natural progression.

My husband told me that 2019 is my year, after spending so many years looking after others its time to do something for myself, I am so fortunate, I work from home, I can go out for a walk when ever I want, I can cook and eat good food that nourishes my body, I work with my best friend, So I’m off on a little journey, excuse the cheese, I’m not of to a yoga retreat in India, so disappointing but I’m on a journey living with anxiety, heart palpitations, thyroid issues and IBS, there will be many bumps in the road, that’s life, lets see how I can get around those, I will take you with me on my journey of self discovery, my journey learning to be me, learning the real purpose of this blog WHATS NEXT MUM.

 

 

• Fight or flight A natural response to danger, or in my case A night out, or any arranged activity.

Anxiety in all its glory has changed my life and lifestyle, I can’t remember the last time I went out without scrutinising and worrying about every detail, If we are going out for a meal I need to be home early, don’t even ask me why, I would and always do enjoy brunch or lunch at a push, then I know I will be home nice and early.

I can’t really remember when it all began, I also think that some days weeks or months are better than others, this time of year is particularly bad, the run up to Christmas, I try to get everything done early so I don’t worry so much but there are so many events and birthdays too including mine, that I get a little overwhelmed and then my anxiety kicks into overdrive.

After lots of CBT therapy sessions I think we came to the conclusion that my issue stems from a few things.

• I am scared of the dark (this may sound funny but I genuinely am scared of the dark and being out late scares me even more as its dark)
• My fear of failure and letting people down (cancel now, then if I cant make it I have told them in enough time)
• Not being able to get home (my home is my safe place so I need to be able to have a route home)
• After my heart palpitations started I would and still get a lot of them during/after food and if I eat out at night they tend to be worse
• The build up to going anywhere is traumatic for me, I worry and over worry
• After a very bad bout of labyrinthitis I was left with the wobbles for quite some time and this was always worse at night

Mostly I now realise that my anxieties are driven by the flight or fight response and my flight far out ways my fight.

I’ve never been a fighter anyway, although it’s in my blood (boxing that is) the easiest response is to flight.

It makes such perfect sense, our minds feel threatened and the easiest option is to cancel or to not arrange at all, the consequence is you never get to experience what it would be like, if you could in fact have a great time, if you could in fact dance the night away with friends, or eat a lovley meal out.

I have cancelled so many things, holidays, meals out, trips to name a few, the worst feeling is the feeling of letting people down, the sigh’s when you say you can’t make it, the non understanding from people, the “you only live once comments” I fucking well know I will only live once I’m pretty intelligent, it doesn’t help, it makes it worse, it makes me back off, retreat and feel like shit.

People stop inviting you, or they say well I knew you wouldn’t want to come and as much as I understand it hurts badly, you see people with anxiety are human, they feel the same emotions or have heightened emotions as people without anxiety.

I’m so so lucky I know my capabilities at the moment, my family and friends are very aware of them, I do brunch ALOT, I have a take away with friends at theirs or at our’s every month, I go out in the evening with my girlfriends occasionally and we go to the same place and I’m comfy with them in that surrounding, we meet with friends for lunch and have people over to ours and we cook etc, I visit family and have lunch out, honestly this is progress, there was a time i didn’t leave the house.

I’m still in the process of healing, I feel envious of people who don’t worry, or appear not to, I want to be successful, I want to and envisage my families face when I succeed, Im telling you they are bloody gobsmacked.

This sodding anxiety is holding me back but will I sit on my fluffy cloud and regret? not a chance, I have been fortunate, I am grateful and I am healing and will continue to heal, I am helping others I hope by writing about my anxiety.

So come to think of it I’m constantly fighting, there are some things I cant run from, and sometimes contrary to belief I do have a good time, who would have thought you can have a good time without getting wasted and be home in my P.J’s with a cuppa in hand by 9pm, good on you I say if getting wasted and coming in at 3pm is your thing (Jules) each to their own, I’m just not going to beat myself up for not wanting to do that, I’m going to accept that we all have our thing and life is short and we do only have one but do what the fuck you want with it.

A picture to prove i do go out at night and I do not turn into a vampire.

All my love

 

Shelley

 

 

As today is World mental health day I wanted to share firstly my own mind health journey but also and very importantly the things I do to help myself stay well.

If you have read any of my earlier blogs I have talked extensively about my own mind health, I have had many ups and downs with mind health in the last 25 years, I have been offered antidepressants several times, I have chosen for my own personal reason to not take them although I have seen friends who have taken them and find them amazing but they are just not for me.

So I have been on a journey of self discovery, I still am on that journey and I have found many things that have helped me. I have always thought Self care is selfish, that I am not worthy or that if I look after myself I will be letting others down, if I say no to an event or to help someone they will hate me or think I’m nasty or useless.

I have had to learn that I am important, that when I look after myself I am a better version of me, I am better able to help others and I am happier and less stressed.

So with the help of a great therapist and family/friends and a huge amount of love patience and support from my husband I began my latest journey.

I left my job at a primary school, it was way to stressful, I was coming home upset and anxious, Freya was leaving primary and I felt ready to leave too and start a new chapter, I was going on a family holiday just after I left school, Jules knows my symptoms so well now, he noticed I was trying to control everything, I was wanting to be back at our holiday home as early as possible and I had started to feel the dreaded anxiety feeling in the pit of my tummy, almost like an excited feeling but with a huge amount of dread and some heart palpitations thrown in the mix.

As soon as I returned I went to my GP and asked for blood tests for my thyroid, my thyroid is a wanker, when I’m least expecting it, it will literally take the life out of me and I end up in a state.

Low and behold it was super low, so I had to take more pills, I also checked back in for CBT and I started to walk, just little walks to start with but it was a start, with the help of my therapist I became aware of the horrible ugly mush I have in my core, well obviously that’s not actually true but that’s what I see and feel, the feeling of not being worthy of self-care, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of letting everyone down.

This needed some work, so the thyroid pills were kicking in, the walking was getting longer, I was feeling like I could do more, so I added yoga, some meditation and reading amongst others, so I’m going to list my self-care tips, they might not work for you but they are worth a try, you can adapt them to you, if you’re not at the point of going out or are having tests , some are so simple you will think I’m slightly odd but bear with me.

• First of all get an appointment with your GP’s it is the only way to start
• Blood tests including thyroid
• Organise any therapy you are open too
• Walk outdoors if you can manage it, if not small exercises indoors
• Meditate, if your mind wonders its ok, be kind to yourself even 10 seconds of calm is great
• Yoga is fab, take it slowly, find a teacher that is sympathetic to your needs
• Bath, yes I did say bath, I took showers and never took my time to cherish my body, take a bath with candles and beautiful oils in your bath, im still learning to love my body
• Moisturize your body, again this comes naturally to some, I always saw it as waste of time, It’s so important to be kind to your body
• Cut down on social media, it’s an amazing tool to talk to people but it can be detrimental if you are already feeling low
• Talk to someone you trust, talk some more and keep talking until things make sense
• Read a good book, and put the phone down when you go to bed, read instead, preferably something uplifting or informative
• Buy yourself some flowers, candles or oils, smell the beautiful scent
• Look at your diet, nourish your body with good food, I don’t want to eat or even drink water when I’m anxious, so I have to force myself albeit gently, I find gluten makes me bloated and miserable so I have cut it out for a long time now, choose fresh veggies and spices you enjoy

This may seem like a long list, to some these will be the norm, to others all of this will be alien, take your time, one thing a day or week, most of these are now my normal, my core is not so rotten anymore and I’m finding myself (so cliché) I am on a journey, I have no idea where I’m going but I’m going to try my best to enjoy it, to cherish it and myself.

I always try to think now what I would advice my friends or family if they were feeling or thinking like I do/have, it helps me to be kinder to myself, self-care doesn’t have to cost a lot, it is just about being kind and gentle to yourself, like im sure you would be to your friends or family, its by far the best thing I have done, its come as a shock to some when I decide I can’t attend an event or when I say im not in a position to help them out, but if these people love you or respect you they will know you need this time to get well.

 

I have 3 children and a step daughter, my 2 girls have mind health problems, now having mind health problems myself is bad enough but watching your children suffer with there own mind health is extremely hard.

Sophie has PTSD and depression, she also suffers with some anxiety, I don’t think this started when she was younger, well not that I was aware of, it all began in her teens, maybe 15ish, she had a very bad experience and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me saying (she poof reads my blogs so i may get a ticking off) she went of the rails, I feel that like me she has always wanted to be loved, to be enough, even though she has always been loved by us and we find her beautiful and funny and full of life she has always sought this love elsewhere, In her 20″s She tried antidepressants and although i tried so many times to get her to seek some therapy she had to be ready for that.

Thankfully she is ready now and has started CBT, so far so good, I’ve had CBT on a few occasions so i cold warn her that she will go through some awful heartbreaking scary sessions but they will get better and she will get better and will soon enough be able to live the life we all see her living on the outside, she’s as good as her mum at covering her pain.

As a mum to a child with mind health problems I feel guilty, I wonder if its my fault she feels the way she does, if my own mind health problems have been passed on to her, I have second guessed my actions, I have played her life with me over and over in my head, I’m a protective mum but I have allowed my children to grow into what they want to be, I have never pressured them, I want them to achieve for the right reasons, doing the things they love and make them happy, I couldnt give a stuff what that is, I don’t care what they wear or how they have their hair as long as they are happy and they feel full-filled, so to see my girl suffering is hard, after lots of self criticism I realised that I wasnt  to blame,  yes there may be a reason it starts, whether thats a childhood memory or an incident in adult life but I still did all I could as a parent and I still do.

Freya had a very awful year at primary school in year 4, she was 8 at the time, she was basically bullied by a teacher, I took my innocent child to a place I felt was safe and where she would be learning and be supported only for her to have the worst year of her life, she had been diagnosed with dyslexia prior to joining year 4, she was placed with a dyslexic teacher, Freya spent more time at home that year than at school, we spent more time at school than we ever had, she was miserable and i thought about home school, I took every word she told me seriously and I fought battles I should never of had to have, she has since been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety and the phycologist thinks this stems from the bad year she had.

We watched our little bright funny beautiful little girl disappear, she lost weight, she was physically sick, she would cry and beg to not go to school, slowly after leaving year 4 and arriving in year 5 she blossomed again with the help of possibly one of the best teachers I have ever met, she was nurtured and loved, still we could all see that Freya was struggling, our hearts broke, things seemed to go from bad to worse, any changes were met with panic, any thing out of the ordinary sent Freya spinning, my fight was on again, by now Freya was of to secondary school, she found the transition so so difficult, the school she is in now is amazing, we have the most amazing support and Freya has been having confidence classes and starts CBT soon too.

So hows it feel to be a parent of children with mind health problems?

I would assume it is different for every family but for us it is, funny and crazy when the girls are having good days/weeks and it is dark and kind of scary when one or both of the girls are having and days/weeks, I’m here always, i have been up in the night, I have laid on beds and held hands and cried with them, I have researched and joined social media groups to find help from other parents, we have walked and talked, we have read self help books together, we have done yoga and meditation, I’m sure there are many things we haven’t tried but we are open and we talk and talk until what ever is troubling us is shared and feeling slightly less scary.

I don’t feel qualified to hand out advice, I fuck up a lot at this parenting stuff but I will say that if it feels right try it, listen without judgement, talk and advice in small doses, seek help from school or your GP, don’t be afraid, educate yourself on mind health, especially if you are of a generation of people who put up and shut up.

Sometimes I feel like nothing I do is right, that my words are not enough, its all going in, they are listening, try not to despair, we tell Freya about her amazing positivities and achievements on a daily basis, we try to not dwell on the OCD and anxiety, in fact we tell her that it makes her special, she has tapped into part of her brain that others haven’t.

For me I’m stronger again, stronger for struggling myself and stronger for helping our girls, it makes for never a dull day, never a dull moment, we have the best best days and the worst worst days, I was made to be a mum, thats what I was put here for,

Anxiety and Depression !!!!!

Gosh this is the first post that I actually feel scared writing, I kind of feel like I don’t know where to start or where to end, so bear with me, im a bit of a hippy too so take from this what you like, be open if you can.

As a child and a teen I remember feeling worried a lot, worried about family and friends, school, my health, the list is endless, I remember being on holiday in South Africa with my parents in my teens and being so worried in a restaurant that was so high on this tall building we had to leave and in Florida being so scared of the rides and if I might die, I feel like I should of been enjoying myself and instead I was worrying.

Both my parents were not worriers, my mum has a lovely attitude to life, she is so carefree and loves life, my dad has a very similar outlook, both enjoy holidays and socializing, to my knowledge neither have ever had any kind of depression or anxiety.

I thought at the time it was perfectly normal but all my friends didn’t really worry like I did, may be for some it is perfectly normal but I know now that I worried way too much for someone so young.

So does that mean I was born a worrier? I’m not so sure, I had a trauma in my childhood and I think that was the turning point for me, although I think that also I am a natural worrier, my grandmother is a worrier too.

I have battled the inner demons of my own thoughts from my teens, I’ve had good years and bad, good days, weeks and months along with bad ones, I have had counselling, CBT, hypnotherapy and I have been offered on several occasions antidepressants.

My anxiety seems to manufacture itself in health anxiety, or for me bodily symptoms.

It’s by far the scariest shit I have ever been through, I try my best to put on the face that people want to see, to be the jokey slightly odd girl people are expecting, it doesn’t work all the time.

So I will tell you my experience with all the things I have tried, just because something has or hasn’t worked for me does not mean it won’t work for you, I just hope I can help you to try something slightly different or to open your eyes to other therapies.

As you will be aware if you have read my previous blogs I was a very young mummy, just 16 with my first child and 19 with my second, I had a rocky start in love too, I married young and it didn’t work out, I think my depression had already started I was just so busy with two little ones to really take any notice of myself, something I became very good at, I defiantly came last in order of priority always.

The first time I visited the GP I was a little way into my second marriage, I had been at work and I had the worst headache ive ever had, It was so persistent and I was taking lots of time off work, when I went to the GP I was offered antidepressants and was told I was indeed suffering with depression, I didn’t take the meds, my own choice, after my third or fourth visit a GP decided to send me for an MRI and do some blood tests, I had a call two days later to say the thyroid test they had done was severely low and I would need to start medication immediately, No other information regarding my underactive thyroid was given to me at that time, the GP said I would be feeling like the walking dead, she wasnt far wrong, I was also refered for counselling after a brief chat about my past.

I’m not saying for a minute that I think there is anything wrong in taking antidepressants,  for some people I know they are heaven-sent, for others I know they have stripped them of their feelings and personality, I also know I have a very addictive personality, if I put my mind to something I will do it 100%, if I had a drink I would drink till I was wasted (when I was a lot younger) if I decided I wanted to buy a dress I would buy 10, I just can’t stop, so I felt it may be better to not start them.

So I waited it out, I received my appointment and I went to my first counselling session, I will never forget it, my mum took me, I was anxious, pretty normal for me at the time, oh it was awful, you see I have stuff locked up that just can not be released, I don’t want it to come out, it’s not that it is eating me up but it hurts, it makes me feel vulnerable and I have built my wall so high that even a bulldozer isn’t getting through that.

The councillor wanted to have a look behind my wall, even writing this now makes me feel sick, she was a lovely lady and I know now that it’s so much worse when you start any sort of therapy but back then she was not getting near my wall… no bloody way.

So it didn’t go well and after a few sessions I couldn’t do it anymore but I felt better anyway so it’s all good, or so I thought.

I carry on with my life, I now have 2 failed marriages and two little ones under my belt, all my baggage being thrown over my lovely wall, it’s all good I’m coping and everyone can see that, I mean I’m fun and I laugh in all the right places and it all looks like its going good for me.

I then met Jules, we had Freya and we had love, love like I have never felt before, he is supportive and caring but even he found the wall unbreakable, I don’t think I realised what I was doing, it’s so much easier to block it all away, I am a glass half empty girl, If something is going to go wrong I almost make it happen, dont get me wrong I am amazing in a crisis, I have attended two attempted suicides, I have resuscitate someone until paramedics arrive and stayed calm and got on with the job in hand, after, I struggle to come to terms with things, my mind goes into overdrive and I wont sleep and I will worry.

Whilst I was with Jules he was made redundant, we were on holiday, he had a call and he said I have lost my job, we shit ourselves, between us we had four children now, on that same holiday I had my very first heart palpitation, I can feel it now, sheer panic through my whole body, they continued, when we got home I went to the GP, I was sent for tests and all was good, I have Ectopic heart beats, for some people they wouldn’t notice them but I’m in tune with my body so much that I really feel them,  completely normal but also terrifying, they are of course exacerbated by stress,  so I was handed another prescription, that I didn’t take and back on the waiting list but this time for CBT.

CBT for me (not for everyone I’m sure) was like a breath of fresh air, it is all about looking forward thank the lord because behind me is a bloody great big wall, it was great, I learnt so much, of course I had to let the therapist over the wall a little bit but not for long and just so that we could move even further forward, I had a good relationship with the therapist, I am an open person and in the right environment I will let the wall down, after 12 weeks I felt good again, Jules says when I’m in the middle of an episode Its like someone has sucked the life out of me, I don’t laugh and I can’t concentrate and sat here now my eyes are filling up with the pain it causes me, I cancel appointments and I miss parties and important functions, we have even missed holidays, the guilt it causes is just the worst, gradually over the 12 weeks I could feel myself getting better, I started to go out and laugh and just enjoy life again.

Since then I’m afraid that stress doesn’t sit well with me, I have lost and left jobs with sickness, I laugh when people take the piss out of the fact I have had lots of jobs, the reason I leave is never the one I have told them, it’s usually because I’m having an episode and I can’t cope, any sort of stress and I want to put the running shoes on and get the hell out of there, I have met so many lovely people at work, im friends with lots of them still to this day, I am a rubbish friend, I don’t see people as often as I should, it doesn’t mean I dont want to it’s just that my mind health seems to stop me doing the social stuff, not always but more than I would like.

Since my first bout of CBT I have hit many stumbles, life has a way of reminding you that it’s not all sunshine and roses, so I have tried hypnotherapy, again tough, the wall needed to be knocked down and I didn’t give it enough of a chance I don’t think, I tried counselling again, and again it was not for me.

So when I felt the blanket of doom coming over me again last year I left my job, not wanting to change a habit of a lifetime, only joking, I did leave but only to help with the business, I went to the GP for my blood test, not a shock to me, my thyroid was at its worst ever, so my meds were upped and I began my journey to self-care, im almost sure that my thyroid is a lot more of a problem than the GP will say or know, I also think when im not looking after my self-care my thyroid seems to react and kick me up the arse.

I’m just about to finish my last bout of CBT, I feel like this time I have learnt a lot more, I really like my therapist, she is kind and caring and she gets me on a level that no other one has, she encouraged me to do these  blogs when I put it down as one of the things I want to achieve, I joined a yoga group, I’m not there right now as I have had a lot on but I do yoga as much as I can, I started to write a positive planner, things I’m grateful for, positives for the day, I don’t drink alcohol I haven’t had an alcoholic drink for 13 years now, I try my best to eat relatively healthy and at the moment due to IBS I don’t have gluten, I have done all this with the help of a nutritionist, I try to meditate every morning, I walk every day if I can, I take magnesium before bed,  unfortunately as I have said before I have an addictive personality so these things can become things I have to do or I worry that I will feel unwell again, it also makes me very boring, well boring to some, I don’t want to be out till 2am eating some dodgy kebab, equally if that’s your thing go for it.

I still have days, I still struggle with change, when I’m going on holiday I get anxious and I worry, I constantly worry about my children and my husband, I have lots of nightmares, when any kind of stress happens I worry to the point I can’t sleep and I get the most awful tummy problems, I know now that I need routine, I need to get up early, I need to meditate, I need to walk I need to eat good food that helps my tummy and my mind, I need to keep going out because my home is my sanctuary a place that when I’m low I don’t want to leave.

I suppose that my mind health proves that even when all is good, I have a great husband and family, I have healthy happy kids, I have a good life, a job I love a business we are having fun building, none of that matters, anxiety and depression will take hold of the strongest and weakest people, the happy and the sad, what you see on the outside doesn’t always reflect the inside, I now realise that your past is never really in the past, its just behind that wall waiting to catch you at your lowest point.

Self care has been my focus this time, we have a child with learning difficulties and OCD, we have two children with anxiety,  we have a new business, but if I don’t take care of me I will be no good to anyone else, I’m a yes person, I hate to let anyone down, I don’t like to upset people, I want people to like me,  but I have to say NO to people now, it will and does shock but I need to think about me, I need to take time to have bubble baths and pamper myself, I need to exercise and eat well, I need to keep on top of my thyroid health, I need to look after me before I look after anyone else, this doesn’t come naturally to some, at first I felt like I was being selfish, now I know it’s not selfish, its hugely important to mind health, I will talk to anyone about it, I’m not scared to say I have had and still have mental illness, we all need to talk, to help each other to recognise the symptoms of our own mind health.

We need to not be afraid to try several different therapies until we find the ones that suit us, we need to not be afraid to say NO, to say actually I need to stay in tonight and look after me or the opposite, I need to go out and breath in the fresh air, you are important.

I have a couple of book recommendations for you to try:

• Self-care for the real world
• Notes on a nervous planet
• Rewire your anxious brain

 

Shelley xx

 

 

Gone are the archaic days when home births were the only option, leaving many woman in a very vulnerable and often scary position, with hot water and towels and lots of prayers. This is my little Home birth story, nowhere near as scary, bit of champers thrown in the mix too.

I met Jules in November 2004, he was staying with a friend of mine and we happened to go there for fireworks night, I had seen him around in the summer of that year and I remember saying to my beautiful friend Lisa how he would take longer in the bathroom than me (he still does).

We chatted that night and to cut a long story short he came to my house on a Wednesday and he never left, Never have a first date on a Wednesday unless you plan on keeping them forever, I had already had two gorgeous children and Jules already had a gorgeous daughter too.

In January we went to visit Jules parents in Salisbury, I remember thinking my jeans felt tight  I can’t be pregnant surely, so I took a test without anyone knowing, it was negative, We came home and I just didn’t feel right so along with Lisa I got another test and this time it was Positive.

We had only been together a matter of months, I was so scared to tell Jules but with the help of Lisa I plucked up the courage to tell him, to say he was shocked was an understatement, he literally passed out on the kitchen floor, out cold, I knew then I had no hope when we were going through birth but he was amazing.

My pregnancy was tough this time around, I felt sick the whole time, this was my first pregnancy on thyroxine and I worried about the baby and the effects the drugs would have, we were a new couple too and the pressure was on to make this a family unit, I also had SPD (Symphysis pubis dysfunction) so by the end of the pregnancy even walking a tiny distance was agony, I felt like the baby was on its way out from about 30 weeks, I wore what can only be described as a sumo belt as if piling on 4 stone and becoming a raging bull full of hormones wasn’t enough.

Lisa was a great friend to me during my pregnancy, we had gone from sharing fags and chinese to being super excited to see this little life.

I was so lucky to be living on the Britwell, so when I went to the GP regarding my pregnancy they sent me to Sure start in my local area, it was there that I met Heather and Sue, I felt so comfortable with them and explained how horrific I felt my treatment had been in hospital and that I now had a fear of going to the hospital and going through that again, I explained that I wanted to have a home birth, I think I expected to get a negative reaction but what I got was warmth and love and tremendous support.

So it was decided by Heather and Sue my midwives that i could have my home birth, I had two great births with Andy and Soph, no pain relief, both births under three hours and both babies and myself in good health after, yes you can call me birthing Queen. So they both visited our home, met Jules on a few occasions and we started to make plans, I am a big planner, if you know me well you will know I have a list for my lists but I decided as I had with my previous births to not put the pressure on, so my birth plan was simple, I was going with the flow.

So the pregnancy went on and my due date was fast approaching, I had naturally gone into labour with both my previous pregnancies, one five days early and one five days late, Freya was due on September 13th, we had no idea if she was a boy or a girl and wanted to keep it that way, on the 7th September after what felt like a lifetime of hip and pelvic pain my midwife Heather decided to do a sweep, although uncomfortable I just was happy to have baby now as the pain was getting unbearable.

I went home after my sweep with the Midwives numbers in my phone and them waiting in anticipation for our babies impending arrival, I woke Jules up around 6am to say I think I’m in labour, so we got up, he called work to tell them he would be late (don’t ask, I have no idea why he thought he would be going to work after) and I called Heather to tell her the news, she left right away and we packed the older children off to school, they had no idea, the pain was bearable but intensifying all the time, by now I’m concentrating on walking and breathing and Jules has called my mum too.

When the midwives arrived they set up a little unit in the corner of our living room which had all the things needed if baby wasn’t feeling quite ready for this world, I was none the wiser to all this until after, they checked me over and things were moving pretty rapidly, my mum had arrived and it was just so calm, I wondered in and out the back garden attached to Jules for support, I listened to my body and just went with it, then came the moment that us mothers dread, the feeling of needing to shit a melon, I was utterly convinced as I had been with both of my previous births that I needed a poo, those lovely midwives convinced me not to go dashing to the loo and saved Freya from being born down the bog.

I had my waters broken fairly quickly by the midwives with both my previous births but Heather and sue were determined that they would break on their own, at 10.25am they did and at 10,30am swiftly followed our little bundle of fun, Jules had for some reason ended up at the business end, as our baby was coming out, only her head was born one of the midwives said “oh i think it’s a boy” so when the rest of the baby followed Jules said “oh his bits have fallen off”, he then refused to hold her until she was clean, to be fair he eats ribs and corn on the cob with a knife and fork.

Freya was born a very healthy 8lb 2oz and was so so quiet, that didn’t last, we were told that she may have some trouble coming of my thyroxine and so she could be  little agitated, that was the understatement of the century, we later found out she was intolerant to dairy, I will talk about that in another blog, I will talk about how it feels to love something so small but want to tear your hair out at the same time, how it’s not always that amazing story of parenthood you hear about, how if your baby screams from morning until night it rips your soul out and you feel worthless and useless, I was so lucky to have Jules by my side, to put things in to perspective for me, when I felt like I just wasn’t going to be a good mum this time around because Freya never stopped crying he picked me up and we did it all together.

So here she was our little bundle of fun, once the midwives had done there bit to repair my nether regions I went to shower in my own bathroom, I came downstairs to a glass of champagne with my husband and mum and orange juice for our lovely midwives, all this before lunch, they were amazing, it was by far the best experience we have ever had, my mum was even shown the placenta and they explained what they were looking for etc, my mum has a fear of blood and has been known on a number of occasions to pass out, she was with us through it all, the atmosphere was amazing, I didn’t feel scared or judged, I felt calm and I knew they had everything under control.

we contacted the older children schools and by 4pm we were all together, now a family of six, our bonding had started less than six hours after she was born, we had a few friends pop in too, then we slept in our own bed and just chilled, a very lovely kind of surreal experience.

Now having said that I know that I’m one of the lucky ones, I hear and have witnessed with my own eyes, woman in labour forever and having to go through all sorts of things to get the baby to be born, I know that it could have gone wrong but it felt right, I trusted my judgement, we trusted those two midwives with mine and our babies life, if you can do it and your professionals agree then its going to be the best experience of your life.

Heather and I were in touch for a long time after, she came to Freya’s 1st birthday party and we still saw her when we went to get Freya weighed etc, unfortunately due to funding issues they closed the sure start on the Britwell, a huge community of parents of all ages were left with going back to the GP for support, it wasn’t just a place to see midwives, they had classes on breast-feeding, on picky eating toddlers, potty training etc the list was endless, it was always heaving, its such a shame to think that a huge community has lost such an important place, we will never forget the help we received from Heather and Sue, we as a family will forever hold them both in our hearts.

Heather and Sue  changed my opinion on midwives, I’m sure now almost 26 years after my first birth that things have improved in hospitals, I know that my daughter in law was well looked after in hospital, that the midwives and doctors were amazing as she had a few complications, still there were issues, mainly  being understaffed and overworked, so just know you have options, you have a choice as long as its deemed safe and is possible in your area you too can have a similar experience.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this, I won’t be writing again until after my little break with my loves, hopefully will have another blog on Sunday 19th August.

Shelley xx

 

 

Hello again,

I thought that seeing as this is going to be a rather controversial topic and for me a very difficult one to talk about I would jump in the deep dark waters of teenage pregnancy.

I was a teen mum, twice in fact, I was 16 when i found out I was pregnant with Andy (now 25), then 19 with my second child Sophie (now 22), it was possibly the scariest time of my life, let me give you a little background first.

I grew up in Langley, my parents separated when I was around 15, I felt love from my parents but like many parents they both worked full time at Heathrow Airport, I feel like I didn’t see them as much as I would of liked but I was very fortunate to have a very lovely relationship with my Grandmother (nanny bungalow).

I will at some point touch on my childhood, but for now i will get back to my very early pregnancy.

So I was a little rebel, I had from around 15 decided that i was old enough to do what I liked really, not a care in the world, I started to drink, bit of diamond white haha, unless your over 40 I’m not sure you will know what it is, spending time with older boys and there cars, started to smoke a bit of pot and generally being a little shit.

I met a few older boys (18-20) acted like I knew what I was doing, secretly not having a clue, I worked at weekends occasionally at a family members B&B, she took in lads from other parts of the country whilst they worked in the area on building sites known as Digs, This is where I met Richard, he was 19, he drove a car, he worked, i was young and naive.

We started to see each other, he came from swindon originally and had moved with his family to Nottingham and was in sunny slough working, I was now 16, we were now in a proper relationship if you can call it that at that age, it certainly felt like it, i would see him after school and at weekends, I fell pregnant, I just remember thinking my mum and dad are going to kill me.

So I tried so hard to keep it to myself, I couldn’t and I told a friend at school, she told the teacher and they called me in and told me my parents had to know that night or they would do it for me.

So I plucked up the courage to tell my mum, It was awful, my mum couldn’t even look at me, she completely ignored me for what felt like a life time, then finally she said she would support me what ever I decided to do, but it was my child and if I chose to continue the pregnancy she would not be mum.

I sat my GCSE’s with my bump, went to my school leavers disco at the holidays inn in my maternity top, I went to sleep overs with bump in tow, I gradually backed away from my friends, nothing they had done, I was just on a different path, I cancelled my college application and concentrated solely on being a mum.

Life was hard, I didn’t really realise too much at the time, I feel like you have more guts at that age and less worries, I sailed through pregnancy, It was strange, I sat in the GP’s surgery waiting for my appointments to see the midwife and I could feel the eyes in the surgery glaring at me, now when I look back at photos I looked so so young, I would probably stare now too.

Although it would be in a different way I feel, I needed support and guidance, Unfortunately I got a lot of people who didn’t believe that a 16 year old could be a good mum, my little bump grew and I could not wait to be a mum, Fuck em I used to think, I will show you what a good mum is.

Andy was born at Wexham park hospital on the 21st November 1992, I was 17 in the December, I had a great birth with the most amazing midwife, I didn’t feel judged or 16 anymore I felt like a human being, He was born quickly without pain relief (no time) in 3 hours, he was a beautiful 7lb 3oz, it was 9pm at night, my mum and Richard were both at the birth, then they left and I remember feeling petrified, I stood in the shower and thought what the hell is this baggy sack on the front of my body, will it ever go, why am I bleeding so much, am I going to die with my baby and on my own.

I was moved to the ward, in them days (gosh i feel old) we stayed in hospital for 2 days after giving birth no matter the circumstances, I am so sad to say over all it was the most horrendous experience I have had, The midwives were just awful to me, they would make horrible remarks about my age and how I needed all the help I could get, luckily there was one gorgeous midwife, she took me off to show me how to be a mum, simple things like how to bath him, how to feed him, how to dress him, it doesn’t come naturally to all and I didn’t read up a lot about what I was about to embark on, Andy wasn’t born with an instruction manual.

I moved to Nottingham when Andy was 6 wks old, it was a way of us staying together and hopefully building a life together, we stayed for 3 years and then I missed my family so much we moved back to slough.

I think I was a great mum, I gave my boy everything he needed and more, he was safe, he was warm he was loved but i was judged massively, not just by professionals but by other mums, i never felt welcome or part of any groups, I ended up not attending any, I was sick of the stares, I was sick of telling people how old I was when they asked and them turning a head to talk to the other mums, no one should ever feel that way, just because I was 16 didn’t mean I wasn’t good enough to be a parent.

I had my daughter as a teen too, again I felt judged massively, I mean you can make a mistake once but twice, she was no mistake, I wanted another baby, I loved being mum, I had Sophie and as soon as I knew we were both ok I discharged myself from hospital exactly 2 hours after she was born, I feared being back in the same position as 2 years previous, I couldn’t bare the thought of feeling that way again.

I didn’t feel accepted until both my children were probably about 6months and 3 and I was just starting my 20’s, I gained a bit more confidence in my own parental ability, i had moved back to Slough from Nottingham and was living on a lovely little Cul de sac where I still live now, I had huge support from my neighbours who also had children not as young as me of course but they didn’t seem to care, I was finally part of a community and I was kicking arse at being a mum.

Ive since gone on to have our daughter Freya in my late 20’s, a home birth after the bad experiences of hospitals, no one looked at me twice with that pregnancy, I know its a shock to see a young mum, there just the same as other mums, there as scared as an older mum, every mum needs support at any age, us mums need to stick together, we need to hype each other up, I was by no means a perfect mum but I did alright, no one is perfect we all make mistakes, we all learn as we go along, I learnt so much with Freya by talking to other mums, by sharing experiences, I don’t feel I had that luxury with Andy or Sophie really.

I wouldn’t advise it to any teen, not because of judgement but because its hard, I wasn’t ready, not nearly ready, I winged it, I wouldn’t recommend it because I feel the years at college and uni are so important for your social circle, holidaying to Magaluf is important, not only so you get some dodgy tattoo and fall asleep on the beach drinking a slippery nipple but because it will make you the person you will become,  finding your place in this world is tough anyway, don’t get me wrong I don’t regret a day of it, it was just so tough, Im not sure of the statistics but obviously teens are still having babies, please take your time to chat to them, they won’t bite, don’t judge a woman at any age, my eldest children have gone on to work in education and finance, I’m super proud of course, some people may say wow thats shocking from a teenage mum, I don’t believe my age came into it, I was put on this earth to be a mum, age is irrelevant.